Lasagna For One

The danger, mostly, in my starting to write again is that I tend to veer quickly into too-much-info territory. I can't help it! It's such a rare luxury to have a direct line between my innards and the page.

Anyway dear diary, I'm feeling very sad today. I feel silly for having put myself out there, yes it was a risk and I did what I wanted to sate my own nigglings, and now I'm paying the price. Awkwardness. I keep projecting that he might be gay, but that may be because it'd be a kinder conclusion than the fact that he's entirely uninterested. It's been a dark cloud over the whole day, which stank of rejection and pointed giggles. At the end of it, I walked around and mulled it over and--WHOMP!--it hit me that I haven't had any deep, sustained connections since... the last one. I've had big kilig crushes, mild flirtations, blurry friendships, but intimacy? I. Um.

Not even R. Not even T. Not even any guy. My friendships are fine, they're great, they're full and solid and substantial. Relationships are bloody... well, bloody. I fear getting hurt. Feeling humiliated. Looking like a fool. Experiencing any sort of heartache. I don't want to have to go through that again. There, I said it. I'm just too chickenshit when it comes to this. I don't care about most rejections (I am nothing if not resilient), but rejection in love is so hard to get over. Not that I'm not over the last one but it's just stunningly loaded to realize that I have not been close to anyone in the past 3 years.

I thought maybe this one had a chance. I thought I saw signs. Encouraging, lingering ones. I felt I had sent enough signs myself, dropped enough hints, thinking maybe my status was intimidating. But mayhaps I went too far and now that it's obvious, it feels like everyone's laughing at the poor girl with a crush on a boy who's never gonna pick her up.

Of course it's not true and it's not like that at all, but that's how it feels anyway.

mused on Tuesday, Jun. 24, 2008, 8:25 p.m.

Tuesday, Jun. 24, 2008Lasagna For One
Sunday, Feb. 03, 2008A New Hope
Monday, Mar. 19, 2007A Remembrance Of Things Past
Saturday, Jun. 10, 2006Someone Else's Words
Tuesday, Feb. 14, 2006Nadir

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